While not lying
by ilexx
Summary: Some thought of Harper's. S5. Christmas present for Natta.
1. Chapter 1

Nope, they're still not mine...

Set after ‚Chaos and the Stillness of it'.

**While not lying**

Just saw the recordings, Beka... You know, the ones Rommie made during Burma's attack.

Strange, wasn't it, how she thought the password was ‚Rommdoll'? And Doyle... ‚Dreamdoyle'? Granted, she's a dream, but... ‚Dreamdoyle'?

Even Trance, who watched the recordings with me, told me afterwards that she thought she could have been able to override my locks, since she believed that my password was ‚Purple'. Go figure!

I love them all, really, I do, but: Doyle is so Seefran, it's frightening. And Rommie I am but slowly getting reacquainted with. While Trance I don't even recognize most of the time anymore.

You found out, haven't you? Of course it was ‚Valentine'. I could see you found out, it was in your happy grin. I love your grin, Beka... Did I ever tell you that? Sorry, I'm rambling, but... I can't help myself. You can't imagine how I felt seeing this grin again and knowing that... that it was about me! I missed it, Beka, I miss you...

Yes, I know. We're good again. Still: I keep wondering what you think about what happened, when you're going to ask me about the past three years I spent alone on Seefra. I can see the questions in your eyes, I know that I should answer them, but I can't...

I'm glad, somehow, that you haven't ask them yet. I don't know what I'd have said. Crap, probably. How can I answer you honestly about Doyle, about Marika?

I'd be lying, if I'd tell you that I didn't like her, that I didn't like obeying her... I'd be lying and you'd know it. I'd be lying, would I tell you that she was just one of those women passing through... She wasn't.

After Arkology I was lost on Seefra. I would have been lost everywhere, but here I was more lost than ever. She was there, to catch me while I was falling, to help me up, to keep me close to her, even if it was in a place where you were no longer waiting for me...

On Arkology I was crying for help, looking for a hand to cling to, your hand... But then I was on Seefra. And it was her hand I found. And so I let her hand turn the page to open another chapter of my life.

I couldn't help myself, Beka... On Arkology I felt like a bird shot down from the sky, asking itself while falling why the hell it had to choose this route instead of another... And when I found myself on Seefra, you weren't there. None of you were.

Yes, I know, it was Dylan's fault. But we can't blame him, can we? He was trying to do the right thing, and he almost died trying. Well, he's a hero, isn't he? And isn't that what heroes are supposed to be doing? Except: he didn't die. He somehow never does. Not that I'm wishing for it. I don't. But he never does. And it's not for lack of trying. It's just: in the end, the universe always seems to be on his side. The universe and you...

While I was searching for your hand... were you holding his? I'll never ask you that. You'd say no – and you'd be lying. And I'd know and blame you for it, even more than I'm blaming you now for always standing by him, when you should be standing by me.

You think I'm petty, selfish, mean? Maybe. I know that he took the blame, I know that he accepted responsibility for what happened and sacrificed himself for us. I was there, remember? And I know that you took the blame and accepted responsibility for us and him, too. And I know that I didn't. As didn't Rhade. So what else is knew? He's Nietzschean, I'm a kludge, we'll never make it all the way up to your and Dylan's impressive standards. I admire you both for it, but... I'd be lying if I wouldn't admit getting a bit tired of it, too. Don't you ever get tired of it, as well?

It's Trance's fault. She brought us here. And she screwed up... I know, I know, she couldn't help herself. And she saved our lives. And yet, I can't prevent myself from blaming her, somehow. Why did she have to screw up? I mean, she is a sun, right? Abnd not just any sun, she is Tarn Vedra's sun, dammit. That should be enough to make her deadly accurate. And yet she screwed up. Probably hoping that there still will be others to help along, if she did: Rhade, Dylan, you.

Where were you, Beka? Why did you let it happen? Oh yes, I blame you, Beka, just as I blame Rhade for having stayed with Louisa, Trance for screwing up, Dylan for having stubbornly insisted we help Arkology, Rommie for letting herself be destroyed by Magog, me for not having been stronger... I'd be lying if I said we're good again. Deep down we're not, I'm not and I know it... I'd be lying if I said we were. Just as I was lying to myself when I thought us all so safe in our friendship, so closely knit together - back in the days before Arkology.

But I've seen your grin, Beka. And now at last I hope that someday we'll be good again...


	2. Chapter 2

So here's Beka's POV to all that, as suggested by charli and Natta.

Set after HotJ, Part 2

**Coming home**

„Seamus! Here you are! We're waiting for you in hydroponics!"

„I'll join you in a minute."

„Harper, we're celebrating, we can't begin without you."

He sighs. But doesn't leave the bench on Obs Deck, continuing to stare out to the stars outside. She sighs too, then comes nearer.

„I'm sorry, Seamus, and I wish there had been something more that we could have done."

„I know."

She waits for a couple of moments for him to go on. He doesn't. She would like to place a hand on his shoulder, but he seems somewhat distant, not willing to be touched. She cleares her throat.

„Dylan told me that you'll be fine..."

He laughs. It doesn't sound like laughing.

„I know. He told me the same before the battle."

„You don't think he is right?"

He shruggs.

„I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, I guess he's right - Dylan knows, you see."

She looks at him puzzled.

„What does he know?"

„What happens after losing it all."

„You didn't lose it all. You've got us, Rommie... me..."

It sounds a little helpless. She sighs again.

„You're blaming us because we didn't do better to save Earth."

„There wasn't really much that **you** could have done more..."

„Dylan? Are you blaming Dylan?"

„I suppose Dylan also did what he could..."

She frowns.

„Maybe..." She's hesitating. Then frowns some more. „Maybe he didn't do his best..."

He shakes his head.

„What then? If you're not blaming us - and you're not blaming Dylan..."

„Then I guess I am blaming no one but the universe, Beka!"

She looks at him, quite clearly not really understanding. He stands up.

„Let's get going."

She doesn't move.

„You coming?"

„Harper, give me a minute."

„What, now? But you were saying..."

„I know, but now I think that there is something we 'd better discuss right here and now..." She looks at him wide-eyed. „You're blaming **me**." It sounds matter-of-factly. He smirks.

„What... For Earth? You're joking..."

„Okay, so not for Earth. Why then?"

„Beka..."

„No, tell me. You're blaming me. What for?"

„It's nothing."

„Like hell it's nothing. Seamus, you were leaving for good! You were leaving without even having the courtesy to tell me about it."

„So what? You left already..."

She looks at him bewildered.

„Me? Leaving? To go where? And when?"

He starts pacing around.

„On Seefra..." It's not really an answer, rather more of a mumbling to himself.

„Seefra? We've been on Seefra for almost a year... Together."

„No, we've been on Seefra. We've never been together."

There now was a cautious look in her eyes.

„As soon as I came back I started looking for you, Harper." She said it carefully.

„That's not true. You've been there for a month..."

„Yes, but..."

„But you didn't bother. None of you did but Dylan... It had to be him to start looking for all of us."

Her lips are only a thin line.

„Well, that's only fair; I mean, it was his fault..."

„Oh, cut it out, Beka, will ya'! I bet that you weren't looking for me, but that somehow you were looking for him..."

„What? Come on, Harper, now don't tell me this is about you being jealous of Dylan... I sent a message, hoping it will get to any of you. That was a month before Rhade and Dylan actually found me - and then we all started to look for you and Rommie... I came back..."

She sounds helpless. He explodes.

„That's crap! You weren't back. That was... your ghost that had come back to punish and haunt Dylan. We others didn't matter... You never asked, not once, how it was like for us... All you did was hating Dylan with consumate passion!"

Her eyes are bright with anger.

„So what are you saying? That you would have preferred to be hated like this?"

„Beka, the other face of love isn't hatred. It's indifference."

She averts her gaze. Stares out to the stars. He waits, but there comes nothing. In the end he withdraws towards the doors. It's only as he has almost reached them that she speaks again. Her voice sounds hollow.

„You say that I left and never came back?"

„Not to me anyway.When you finally came back you returned to Dylan after Prius shot him. And the way you did it always made me wonder: would you have reacted as unhesitatingly had it been **my** dead body you were standing over?"

„Harper, you're a fool! I'd never would have stood over your dead body. Had anyone really tried to kill you, I would have acted sooner - and prevent it, you know that."

He looks at her stubbornly.

„Still, the only one you really came back to was Dylan. You bullied Rhade, tolerated Doyle, were uncommitedly friendly to Trance - and me... you ignored. The only one you then got back to in the old way was Dylan. Why, Beka, why?"

She weighs him in silence. Her eyes are a bit cold. And then she sighs.

„It took you long enough to ask that question. Because, Harper, he was the only one I still had left to come back to. Because you - **all** of you - left long before I did..."

He swallows. Looks uncertain. That's not what he'd expected. When he speaks he stammers a little...

„What... what d'ya mean?"

She shakes her head and smiles. Not her usual broad grin, but a sad little smile.

„It started with just Rev, who decided for himself that Dylan needed more help, more support, more security. I didn't mind at first. You see, I never really could relate to Rev's belief in the Devine. But then I found out that I missed the old way in which I used to be wrapped up in his confidence in me - that he now held for Dylan. It hurt and - God forgive me - I was almost glad when finally Rev left..."

She stands up and starts pacing. He sits down in her place.

„With Trance it was somewhat different. When she was still purple I simply thought that she had a schoolgirl crush on him. And when she changed she told me that she did so mainly because of me, and I believed her. But then it turned out somehow that with her everything was ultimately about Dylan - like it had been with Rev. By then she had however already changed that often that I simply didn't care anymore. It didn't hurt **that** much."

She stands still and looks at him.

„And then even Tyr..." She stops and swallows dryly. But then she continues. „I know that he was not part of the original crew. But somehow he became part of me, you know. Yet slowly I found out that even with him all that really mattered was what Dylan did, how he thought, which way would prove successful to manipulate 'the captain'." Her hands up in the air ironically signal quotes. „He was so obsessed with it that it didn't even occur to him but once that, maybe, if he bothered to convince us - **me** - he'd stand a better chance to convince Dylan, too."

„Maybe he thought that nothing would move Dylan in the end."

He offers his explanation in a lame voice. She shruggs.

„Maybe. But it is more probable that he thought me just not all that important. And then he left, and we all almost wanted to follow him. I said I'd leave - and you said you'd come along with me. Rommie had to stay, but that I had expected and I knew that she really didn't have much choice on the matter."

He bows his head. He knows what's next.

„And then you reconsidered. And told Dylan you did. I waited for you, Seamus, I waited on the _Maru_ until I realized that you wouldn't come."

„But then you agreed to stay on as well."

„Just because you all defected in the end, doesn't mean that I was no longer reponsible. And by then Dylan had proved that he would put everyone in danger when he deemed fit. By then there had been too many times already when all of you - including Dylan - only survived because I was around to save you..."

It's not a reproach, it is only a statement. But then her voice cracks. When she finally continues it is but an echo.

„You were my crew. **Mine**. And I lost all of you to him. And ended up with only one left who still was asking for my opinion, who thought my decisions were to be followed - at least sometimes, who listened to what I had to say before deciding what to do..."

„Dylan..."

He whispers it. Looks guilty. There's truth in what she says. She confirms it.

„Dylan. So when I realized that it was time to stop just being furious and get back to my life, it was only natural to come back to him. You see, by then I had no reason any more to believe that you'd even notice..."

„Beka, you always were my friend, almost my sister, I love you, I admire you, I always have..."

She stops him.

„You see, Harper, before I got to be your Beka, I was also your captain. And I was a good captain, Harper. None of you had really a reason to betray me."

She looks at him coldly, but there are tears gleaming in her eyes.

„I still am a good captain. It's just that by now only Dylan knows it."

He's speechless. And he's sorry.

„Beka..." She looks away.

„It's alright, Seamus..."

„Bullshit. It's not alright. I don't know why I didn't realize it. I am so sorry, Beka. You **are** a good captain. And you'll be my captain till the day I die. You know what? Screw Dylan... and Trance... and Rhade, he always was Dylan's puppy... And Rommie..." There he stammers. But then wants to continue, yet she prevents him to go on.

„Down, boy!" She smiles. „It **is** alright, Harper; because you were right, too. I shouldn't have given up on you and on the others. I should have fought for you more than I was willing to do it."

They both take a deep breath, almost in unison. And then he sees her broad smile starting in a corner of her mouth and slowly spreading itself all across her face.

„So what d'ya say?" His question is almost whispered. „Do you think we could start anew?"

She laughs while coming nearer. And then she throws her arm across his shoulders, hugging him tightly.

„Ensign Harper, welcome aboard and... this time respect the chain of command."

She sets him free and walks towards the doors.

„Your first assigment, Harper: come on, let's go party!"

„Aye, aye, Captain!"

He even salutes her and then follows her out. But while he runs after her towards Hydroponics his eyes are serious, thoughtful: he hadn't realized - because he had chosen to not think about it. And he had hurt her badly. And got hurt in return.

„Beka...?" They've almost reached the others. She turns around.

„Yes, Seamus?"

„Beka, I'm really sorry."

„I know. I'm sorry, too. But we don't have to worry. Next time we'll remember. It won't happen again."


End file.
